Shalom Bayis Beth Din
What is Shalom Bayis Beth Din? Beth Din is commonly a group of rabbis who adjudicate divorces, monetary issues, and various complaints. In marital situations it often means that the Beth Din will supervise the divorce, the payments, the visitations, the status of the children, what happens to the house and property, etc.
Shalom Bayis Beth Din is not like that and has nothing to do with divorces, etc. It is simply a Beth Din to guide and guarantee that the couple behave properly. It educates people how to behave in marriage and how to behave in general with other people. Ideally, it can begin with singles even very young ones. They learn how to behave, or "derech erets," the path of living among other people and how to do this properly.
I discussed this with a major therapist and told him I would like to see people begin Shalom Bayis Beth Din at the age of three. He differed and said that this is too late for maximum Shalom. He said there is scientific evidence to show that the attitude of the couple during the pro-genital intimacy effects the baby being formed by it. This of course is a gemora that when parents have negative thoughts when theyare together in intimacy that this damages the children. At any rate, education is critical.
We need to educate because what people think is Torah teaching is often very wrong. This is the reason that so many very prominent families have hideous divorces. They are fighting for what they think is Torah but they are wrong. Therefore, Shalom Bayis Beth Din must first of all establish what the Torah wants in marriage, and only then can we hope for a successful family.
The biggest problem today in marriage is gender issues. How is a husband to treat his wife? How should the wife behave? What do people think and what does the Torah tell us? Well, let us ignore what people think and study what the Torah says. The Torah says, "And he shall make his wife rejoice" during intimacy. Note that it does not say and he should make himself happy in intimacy. It says "he shall make his wife rejoice." Of course, if the wife is aroused and happy the husband will benefit, big time. But it begins with the husband arousing the wife, which is not so simple, but the key to everything.
Years ago, when I was young before my great-grandchildren were born, I had a lot more energy than I have today. I devoted my energy, especially at the Shabbos table, to making the family happy. We used to take walks to a small park which had a hole in the ground that looked strange. We used to visit "Mr. Shlang" and the kids really got a kick out of it. I used to race my grandchildren around the house barking ferociously. The neighborhood children saw this as we tore through the porch and thought I was about to consume the children! They called their father who came out and announced, "He is playing doggy." A neighborhood child once said, "My father never plays with me."
A major Jerusalem expert on the Torah attitude towards family told me that everything depends on teaching children to rejoice doing a mitsvah. Torah must be happy not suffering. Reb Moshe Feinstein said the same thing. He said that years ago working on Sunday in America was forbidden. To have a job meant usually to work on Shabbos. A father who finally got a job knew that when he refused to work on Shabbos he would be fired. Shabbos was therefore a time of suffering and sadness. This led, said Reb Moshe, to a generation or generations of children who wanted nothing to do with Shabbos and mitsvose.
In those days when my children were very young and I was not very old, I used to have more energy and would give lengthy discussions on Shabbos. The major themes were about the Torah teachings about women. At least my wife liked it. What else is important?
Once, at a Shabbos meal, I turned to my daughter who was almost Bas Mitsvah, if I recall correctly, and said to her, from the clear blue, "When are you leaving?" She blushed pink with happiness. Why? She knew what I was saying. I asked her when are you leaving the house. When would that be? When she married. That was somewhat remote at the time I said it, but it was surely not remote for a smart little girl. A smart little girl from a non-Torah family knows that she can find a boy without her parents. But not my children. My children are my problem. I sit on the telephone for days and weeks and months until we find the right person for a shidduch. It is so stressful, sometimes embarrassing, and sometimes
The biggest problem today in marriage is gender issues. How is a husband to treat his wife? How should the wife behave? What do people think and what does the Torah tell us? Well, let us ignore what people think and study what the Torah says. The Torah says, "And he shall make his wife rejoice" during intimacy. Note that it does not say and he should make himself happy in intimacy. It says "he shall make his wife rejoice." Of course, if the wife is aroused and happy the husband will benefit, big time. But it begins with the husband arousing the wife, which is not so simple, but the key to everything.
Years ago, when I was young before my great-grandchildren were born, I had a lot more energy than I have today. I devoted my energy, especially at the Shabbos table, to making the family happy. We used to take walks to a small park which had a hole in the ground that looked strange. We used to visit "Mr. Shlang" and the kids really got a kick out of it. I used to race my grandchildren around the house barking ferociously. The neighborhood children saw this as we tore through the porch and thought I was about to consume the children! They called their father who came out and announced, "He is playing doggy." A neighborhood child once said, "My father never plays with me."
A major Jerusalem expert on the Torah attitude towards family told me that everything depends on teaching children to rejoice doing a mitsvah. Torah must be happy not suffering. Reb Moshe Feinstein said the same thing. He said that years ago working on Sunday in America was forbidden. To have a job meant usually to work on Shabbos. A father who finally got a job knew that when he refused to work on Shabbos he would be fired. Shabbos was therefore a time of suffering and sadness. This led, said Reb Moshe, to a generation or generations of children who wanted nothing to do with Shabbos and mitsvose.
In those days when my children were very young and I was not very old, I used to have more energy and would give lengthy discussions on Shabbos. The major themes were about the Torah teachings about women. At least my wife liked it. What else is important?
Once, at a Shabbos meal, I turned to my daughter who was almost Bas Mitsvah, if I recall correctly, and said to her, from the clear blue, "When are you leaving?" She blushed pink with happiness. Why? She knew what I was saying. I asked her when are you leaving the house. When would that be? When she married. That was somewhat remote at the time I said it, but it was surely not remote for a smart little girl. A smart little girl from a non-Torah family knows that she can find a boy without her parents. But not my children. My children are my problem. I sit on the telephone for days and weeks and months until we find the right person for a shidduch. It is so stressful, sometimes embarrassing, and sometimes
painful. But without it, they have to wait or go into the street. That is also embarrassing and painful.
Just to make sure I visited my rebbe, Reb Shmuel Toledano zt"l, the gaon of the Kabbalists in Jerusalem, and told him as follows: I come here to learn Kabbala but it is too hard for me. At least, let me get something from the visits. I want berochose that my children will find good shidduchim. I made him sit down and give each child a full berocho "Leah the daughter of Sora Riva" down the line. He answered Leah immediately, and she married at a very young age to a very prominent Torah personality. The next was my son and my rebbe paused. I said, Oh, no. I don't want to wait a long time. Okay, it was longer than the first one, but he eventually found a wonderful shidduch from a very prominent Jerusalem family.
The teaching of the Torah that a husband must make his wife rejoice not that she makes him rejoice, applies to family in general. We must make our children rejoice, playing with them when they are little and making them happy with life as they grow older. We come now to a gemora that nobody knows or nobody follows. And it is the key to successful family, although nobody talks about it that way.
The gemora is in Hurius 10b. Rovo was visited by some of his past students. One of the them, Rav Popo, eventually filled Rovo's position at the leader of the generation. Rovo asked him if he had finished such and such a section of the Talmud and Rav Popo replied, "yes." Rovo then asked him, "And do you have wealth?" He replied in the affirmative. Rovo praised this, because, he said, if you do not have wealth and are not sure of your ability to pay your bills and meet your expenses, you worry and this damages your learning. To learn one must have a mind clear of fiscal worries.
Does anybody practice this today? But that is not the question. The real question is, "How could Rovo and Rav Popo practice this?" How can people who spend their day and night learning Torah become wealthy? That is a very important question.
There is a bigger problem related to this problem. The idea that a person may not marry without a house and a good job is in the gemora Sota and it quotes a passage from Shlomo HaMelech that is part of the Biblical books that are written with Ruach HaKodesh. How can anyone be great in Torah if they cannot marry without a house and a good job? In other words, people who spend hours a day earning a good living and having enough money at the age of eighteen to purchase a house, when did they learn? How did they learn enough to be great in Torah? And yet Rovo commands his students such as Rav Popo who were the greatest scholars in the world, to be wealthy. How can this be done?
This question is a blockade. We cannot go further until we solve it. Alas, I found nobody discussing this point. So I have my own approach. You can listen to my approach and reject it or accept it or just cogitate on it. But my approach is the only solution to this problem that I have.
The solution is as follows. A father must learn Torah and a father must work. Rambam suggests nine hours of learning and three hours of working. This is brought in Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim in the laws of one who leaves shull in the morning after prayers and is obligated to do some work besides his learning. But this means that the Shulchan Aruch rules that people must learn must of the day and only work three hours. There are great problems with this based on the gemora in Berochose 35b where the great rabbis seem to say the opposite. Let us continue with our discussion, because I have a solution and I wish that everybody would follow it. This would save a lot of broken families and broken marriages, even though I have no great rabbi who has stated what I will state.
Let us return to the gemora in Huriyuse 10b where Rovo the greatest rabbi in the world commands his students, such as Rav Popo, who followed Rovo to greatness, that they must be great in Torah and also wealthy! How can this be? My solution is as follows:
A child in Judaism has not obligation to keep the Torah. His father or the community must train him to keep the Torah, not because children are obligated to keep the Torah, because obligations such as this await adulthood when the boy becomes Bar Mitsvah. But the father or the community must train a boy to behave when he becomes Bar Mitsvah.
When somebody becomes Bar Mitsvah, or becomes a Jewish adult, how much should he learn and how much should he earn? Rambam and the Shulchan Aruch say that a Jewish man who has come to Bar Mitsvah must learn nine hours a day and work three hours a day. If so, a child must learn, as a child, to do what he must do when he becomes an adult. And an adult must learn Torah nine hours and work three hours. Therefore, a child, in order to grow up a proper Orthodox adult, must do the same. He must learn nine hours and work three hours. Of course, at a very young age this is begun gradually. But the goal is nine hours and three hours, when the child grows into it. He may begin at a tender age to do some very minor and easy things to make a few pennies. But gradually he is trained by his father and community to advance in adding time to his learning and his earning. A child that begins very early, say five years old, to make a few pennies that his parents practically give him, and continues to learn and to enjoy working, will eventually learn the basics of business, as a child.
Let me explain. I once say my son crying. Why are you crying? I asked. He said that he made a mistake and sold his bike for five dollars instead of ten dollars. When I heard that I wanted to dance for joy. And I expressed this to my son. Why? A friend of mine started into the business world after his marriage and lost his shirt, mainly, the money his father-in-law gave him, which was a very large sum of money. That's right, when you start off business right out of the Yeshiva with nothing to guide you except your imagination, you are going to be in big trouble. When my son at the age maybe of nine or ten lost five dollars, he learned never to do something stupid in business. When he reached adulthood, he was very careful how he spent his money. I was overjoyed at his blunder. Let the children lose five dollars. Don't let the adults lose their hope to support their families with some stupid move. Anyone who has no experience in business should not spend money without losing five dollars.
Here is a story in this vein. A young Torah scholar got married, and was given a large sum by his father-in-law to make business, and he lost it. He went to a great rabbi and complained bitterly about his bad fortune. The rabbi said to him, "That is great that you lost your money so quickly. What would have happened to you if you, like so many others, lose their money after five years in business? At that point, they have become businessmen and not rabbis. They cannot then become rabbis of a community. But you are a new businessman. You have lost your business and you are a prime candidate for a find rabbinical position. You are lucky to have lost your money so quickly! Thus, adults losing money was always a big problem. The only solution is for children to learn Torah and learn business and enter adulthood with a house and a good job after years of earning and learning. Such people who earn and learn as children until adulthood become great Torah scholars and wealthy also, as Rovo said.
This is the solution for our time. But who will do it, I don't know. But if a family does begin to raise their children to earn and learn, what happy families will emerge from this. What happy marriages will result. Not like what happens today, that is for sure.
Yes, Shalom Bayis Beth Din would dance for joy if a community or a school would train children to be great in Torah and wealthy. I talk regularly to people destroyed by divorce. They would never have been destroyed if they had a happy marriage filled with Torah and wealth. But we need a community or a major school to begin this project. Of course, the child must work only in a way permitted by the government's child labor laws. But this is not a problem if children work on a parent's farm as the Amish do. And surely there are ways to work these problems out.
Just to make sure I visited my rebbe, Reb Shmuel Toledano zt"l, the gaon of the Kabbalists in Jerusalem, and told him as follows: I come here to learn Kabbala but it is too hard for me. At least, let me get something from the visits. I want berochose that my children will find good shidduchim. I made him sit down and give each child a full berocho "Leah the daughter of Sora Riva" down the line. He answered Leah immediately, and she married at a very young age to a very prominent Torah personality. The next was my son and my rebbe paused. I said, Oh, no. I don't want to wait a long time. Okay, it was longer than the first one, but he eventually found a wonderful shidduch from a very prominent Jerusalem family.
The teaching of the Torah that a husband must make his wife rejoice not that she makes him rejoice, applies to family in general. We must make our children rejoice, playing with them when they are little and making them happy with life as they grow older. We come now to a gemora that nobody knows or nobody follows. And it is the key to successful family, although nobody talks about it that way.
The gemora is in Hurius 10b. Rovo was visited by some of his past students. One of the them, Rav Popo, eventually filled Rovo's position at the leader of the generation. Rovo asked him if he had finished such and such a section of the Talmud and Rav Popo replied, "yes." Rovo then asked him, "And do you have wealth?" He replied in the affirmative. Rovo praised this, because, he said, if you do not have wealth and are not sure of your ability to pay your bills and meet your expenses, you worry and this damages your learning. To learn one must have a mind clear of fiscal worries.
Does anybody practice this today? But that is not the question. The real question is, "How could Rovo and Rav Popo practice this?" How can people who spend their day and night learning Torah become wealthy? That is a very important question.
There is a bigger problem related to this problem. The idea that a person may not marry without a house and a good job is in the gemora Sota and it quotes a passage from Shlomo HaMelech that is part of the Biblical books that are written with Ruach HaKodesh. How can anyone be great in Torah if they cannot marry without a house and a good job? In other words, people who spend hours a day earning a good living and having enough money at the age of eighteen to purchase a house, when did they learn? How did they learn enough to be great in Torah? And yet Rovo commands his students such as Rav Popo who were the greatest scholars in the world, to be wealthy. How can this be done?
This question is a blockade. We cannot go further until we solve it. Alas, I found nobody discussing this point. So I have my own approach. You can listen to my approach and reject it or accept it or just cogitate on it. But my approach is the only solution to this problem that I have.
The solution is as follows. A father must learn Torah and a father must work. Rambam suggests nine hours of learning and three hours of working. This is brought in Shulchan Aruch Orach Chaim in the laws of one who leaves shull in the morning after prayers and is obligated to do some work besides his learning. But this means that the Shulchan Aruch rules that people must learn must of the day and only work three hours. There are great problems with this based on the gemora in Berochose 35b where the great rabbis seem to say the opposite. Let us continue with our discussion, because I have a solution and I wish that everybody would follow it. This would save a lot of broken families and broken marriages, even though I have no great rabbi who has stated what I will state.
Let us return to the gemora in Huriyuse 10b where Rovo the greatest rabbi in the world commands his students, such as Rav Popo, who followed Rovo to greatness, that they must be great in Torah and also wealthy! How can this be? My solution is as follows:
A child in Judaism has not obligation to keep the Torah. His father or the community must train him to keep the Torah, not because children are obligated to keep the Torah, because obligations such as this await adulthood when the boy becomes Bar Mitsvah. But the father or the community must train a boy to behave when he becomes Bar Mitsvah.
When somebody becomes Bar Mitsvah, or becomes a Jewish adult, how much should he learn and how much should he earn? Rambam and the Shulchan Aruch say that a Jewish man who has come to Bar Mitsvah must learn nine hours a day and work three hours a day. If so, a child must learn, as a child, to do what he must do when he becomes an adult. And an adult must learn Torah nine hours and work three hours. Therefore, a child, in order to grow up a proper Orthodox adult, must do the same. He must learn nine hours and work three hours. Of course, at a very young age this is begun gradually. But the goal is nine hours and three hours, when the child grows into it. He may begin at a tender age to do some very minor and easy things to make a few pennies. But gradually he is trained by his father and community to advance in adding time to his learning and his earning. A child that begins very early, say five years old, to make a few pennies that his parents practically give him, and continues to learn and to enjoy working, will eventually learn the basics of business, as a child.
Let me explain. I once say my son crying. Why are you crying? I asked. He said that he made a mistake and sold his bike for five dollars instead of ten dollars. When I heard that I wanted to dance for joy. And I expressed this to my son. Why? A friend of mine started into the business world after his marriage and lost his shirt, mainly, the money his father-in-law gave him, which was a very large sum of money. That's right, when you start off business right out of the Yeshiva with nothing to guide you except your imagination, you are going to be in big trouble. When my son at the age maybe of nine or ten lost five dollars, he learned never to do something stupid in business. When he reached adulthood, he was very careful how he spent his money. I was overjoyed at his blunder. Let the children lose five dollars. Don't let the adults lose their hope to support their families with some stupid move. Anyone who has no experience in business should not spend money without losing five dollars.
Here is a story in this vein. A young Torah scholar got married, and was given a large sum by his father-in-law to make business, and he lost it. He went to a great rabbi and complained bitterly about his bad fortune. The rabbi said to him, "That is great that you lost your money so quickly. What would have happened to you if you, like so many others, lose their money after five years in business? At that point, they have become businessmen and not rabbis. They cannot then become rabbis of a community. But you are a new businessman. You have lost your business and you are a prime candidate for a find rabbinical position. You are lucky to have lost your money so quickly! Thus, adults losing money was always a big problem. The only solution is for children to learn Torah and learn business and enter adulthood with a house and a good job after years of earning and learning. Such people who earn and learn as children until adulthood become great Torah scholars and wealthy also, as Rovo said.
This is the solution for our time. But who will do it, I don't know. But if a family does begin to raise their children to earn and learn, what happy families will emerge from this. What happy marriages will result. Not like what happens today, that is for sure.
Yes, Shalom Bayis Beth Din would dance for joy if a community or a school would train children to be great in Torah and wealthy. I talk regularly to people destroyed by divorce. They would never have been destroyed if they had a happy marriage filled with Torah and wealth. But we need a community or a major school to begin this project. Of course, the child must work only in a way permitted by the government's child labor laws. But this is not a problem if children work on a parent's farm as the Amish do. And surely there are ways to work these problems out.
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